PODCAST · tv
Commentary Fairy
by ArtSpear Entertainment
Joe Bauer and Rita Artmann of ArtSpear Entertainment, creators of Toon Sandwich and other, less-well-known comedies, watch and commentate over popular (and distinctly unpopular) movies - excavating plot holes, inventing wild theories, and squeezing every possible drop of irreverence and absurdity out of each scene and line of dialogue.
Episodes
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #105 - Final Destination: Bloodlines
Rita and Joe have their piercings ripped out by an MRI machine in Research Mode as they talk over Final Destination 6.
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #104 - Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight
Rita and Joe are tempted by demonically chivalric Billy Zane into talking over 1995's Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight.
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #103 - The Next Three Days
In 2010, Rusty Crowbar starred in a criminally (or perhaps not-so-criminally...?) underrated white-knuckle thriller from the writer-director of the film that stole Best Picture from Brokeback Mountain with a title that could describe any film that includes a 72-hour period in its narrative. But I...
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #102 - A Bronx Tale
Robert De Niro directs a film about a young bucking Bronxo whose soul hangs in the balance, swinging like an Italian sausage between two male role models: his working-class loyal Dad and his murdering-class local dirtbag. (His mother vanishes completely after the first act, not that he ever…
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #101 - Scream 6
No matter how many times these peanut-eyed-ghost-mask-wearing psychos get killed, they just won't stay dead. Some new psycho (and their plus one) always takes up the mantle, rents the same Halloween costume, downloads the exact same Roger L. Jackson voice modulator app and takes a stab at it,...
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #100 - Titanic
100 EPISODES! 🎉🎊🥳 Have we really wasted this much time? It sounds like something we'd do. And what better film to blabber through in celebration of reaching syndication than the third-highest-grossing film of all time (adjusted for inflation) - TITANIC! Apparently one of the most incredible…
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #099 - Old
Join us for an M. Night in as we age ourselves two hours watching one of Rita's favourite flicks from the last decade - a tropical getaway adventure to a secluded beach surrounded by the kind of minerals that would make anyone in the skincare industry shit their pants and fall out of bed…
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #098 - Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny
Disney does it again! The studio that rose to prominence acquiring other people's stories and turning them into something magical has mutated into the studio that buys other studios and turns their IP into something calculatedly profitable. Although in this case, they seem to have miscalculated.…
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #097 - Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
For 19 years of harmony, the Indiana Jones films existed as a beloved, near-perfect trilogy of swashbuckling adventure and quintessential movie magic. Then along came 2008, to shatter that harmony with an elongated glitter-infused novelty bowling ball in the shape of Beldar Conehead's skull.…
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #096 - Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Crusaders of the Lost Cup! In 1989 Spielberg closed the artistically carved stone coffin lid on the perfect action-adventure-serial trilogy, never to be opened again. And why would it be? A more perfect conclusion you couldn't ask for: the only father-son wilderness retreat you ever need to go on…
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #095 - Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
Adventure just updated its profile and I'm just reading here-- apparently it has a name now: "Indiana Jones". I hope it doesn't get offended if I sometimes slip up and call it "adventure", especially since this film very much defines that word: Period Shanghai club brawl and car chase... jumping...
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #094 - Raiders of the Lost Ark
In 1981, Steven Spielberg and George Lucas collectively decided their absolute domination of popular cinema wasn't absolute enough and joined forces to create the greatest adventure hero in history, for a lark. Indiana Jones - a name that rolls off tongues easier than a spherical boulder in an...
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #093 - Back to the Future Part III
Howdy do it? Bobby Zemeckis surprised all of us by making part trois the first Sci-Fi Western Adventure Comedy Romance, a feat not repeated until Cowboys & Aliens. But don't panic - all the questions and mysteries and cliffhangers and dangling threads from Part II will be resolved: Will Marty get...
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #092 - Back to the Future Part II
A sequel that's almost three movies for the price of one: a wacky futurist escapade to rescue Marty's disown-worthy children from just one of what is certain to be thousands of shameful misadventures over the course of their lives; a grim darkest-timeline nightmare reality that's eerily…
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #091 - Back to the Future
A film with a perfect screenplay... just received a perfect commentar3h^&%#N}*fa$Z@)SH||||PH!! holy cow that was so untrue I wasn't physically able to type it. But seriously, how does a film that contains these story elements - a mum who wants to ride her son's pony; successfully coercing someone...
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #090 - Snow White and the Huntsman
It's time to put the final, face-scarring nail in the coffin of our mini-series obsessed with "TWIN FILMS"! The digital files will corrupt and disintegrate over time, but the memories will last forever. Snow White and the Huntsman may have been marred in controversy on its release, thanks to an...
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #089 - Mirror Mirror
It's been a moment since we've done one of these, but what better film to restart the engine with than everyone's second-favourite 2012 live-action adaptation of the fairy-tale of Snow White? It may also be the perfect film to clog the engine permanently, but we'll see what happens. This will...
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #088 - The Thomas Crown Affair
We're back from another hiatus! I can't guarantee there won't be multiple hiati to come! But when opportunity presents itself to us, like a babboon, we will jump on it, like a babboon. Speaking of babboons, it's time to pop out the twin film of 1999's Entrapment, 1999's The Thomas Crown Affair....
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #087 - Entrapment
We're back from hiatus and stronger than ever! (1% strength instead of zero). And it's time for another pair of twin films! This time it's the 1999...
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #086 - Solo
AKA Everything You've Never Wanted To Know About Han Solo And Were Too Narratively Astute To Ask. Alden Ehrenreich plays Youngen Han Nosquad in this planet-hopping adventure that features raw, unrefined coaxium/storytelling, a robot with a 20,000rpm internal sex drive and the Millennium Pelican....
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #085 - Rogue One
We left a couple of glaring, gaping holes in our Star Wars commentary coverage, and I apologise profusely. I can't imagine how many nights you've lain awake tormented by uncertainty as to how exactly the Rebellion stole the plans to the dreaded Death Star, or how Han Solo acquired his surname.…
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #084 - Don't Breathe
Psycho made you afraid of motels... Jaws made you afraid of the ocean... Get Out confirmed your existing fear of white people... Now Don't Breathe is here to make you afraid of the visually impaired. And to teach you an important lesson in morality: Don't Steal. Unless you're inadvertently…
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #083 - Running Scared
A more accurate title would be Confronting Angry. Paul Walker stars as the worst gangster, son, husband, father and undercover fed you've ever been threatened by with a loaded pistol as you hold your crying baby in your arms. He's about to give his next door neighbour's already-abused kid a...
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #082 - The Town
Get ready to be deeply Affleck-ted by a Lively, Renner-gade group of bank robbers making Hamm-fisted attempts to steal Hall the money in Boston. And if you think you won't be able to sympathise with the hero, just you Postlethwaite - because in addition to being an unreformed criminal, he's also…
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #081 - Collateral
As if driving a cab in L.A. wasn't enough to deal with. "Hey! It's a beautiful night for a murder in the City of Angles - hell, make it five murders - I'm feelin' generous! Four overweight witnesses, most with zero protection or discretion, and one complete non-liability - the prosecuting…
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #080 - White House Down
The most attacked government building of 2013 continues its winning streak. This time, the Die Hard allusions even extend to the lead character's name (John [Mc]Cale) and costume design. But the good news is, the 17 years since Independence Day has clearly mellowed Roland Emmerich - now choosing…
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #079 - Olympus Has Fallen
2013 will always be remembered as the year the White House fell down twice, which is usually the sign that a building is not going to live to see another full year. The twin film is the less-ambiguously-titled White House Down (coming next). This film takes the more grim, violent approach of the...
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #078 - First Daughter
Chasing Liberty was chased to the cinemas in 2004 by First Daughter, which ironically came second, both historically and financially. But is it actually the better film? Is Michael Keaton the better president? Is Marc Blucas the better love interest? Does Katie Holmes look better in a fuzzy pink...
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #077 - Chasing Liberty
We're continuing our series of twin films by spending four weeks at the White House - guests of the Biden administration. No that's not true. But we are doing four White-House-centric films. (No prizes for guessing the second set of twins.) One of the lesser-known and yet most egregious examples…
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #076 - The Long Kiss Goodnight
From the $4-million-dollar pen of Shane "Every Day Is Christmas" Black comes the tale of an everyday mild-mannered homemaker with focal retrograde amnesia who goes to suicidally extreme lengths to prove the truism, "blondes have more fun". Dragged along for the ride is an indestructible singing...
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #075 - The Last Boy Scout
Where there's a Willis, there's a Wayan. In one instance at least. Despite being a film that would seemingly dredge up a stadium-ful of bad memories for Bruce Willis, Tony Scott, Joel Silver and Shane Black... it's actually not a bad time, thanks mostly to Shane Black's script, or at least,...
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #074 - Harlem Nights
Eddie Murphy has directed exactly one movie over the course of his career, and given this is Eddie Murphy we're talking about, it's guaranteed to be a mean-spirited, laugh-an-hour period crime comedy-drama, hold the comedy, in which he plays a heartless, homicidal sociopath. Wait- huh?? To be…
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #073 - Life
It's time to do some requests and what better film to start with than a space horror starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Rebecca Ferguson, Ryan Reynolds and one teed-off extra-terrestrial protozoan! Whoops - that was a mix-up - this is actually the 1999 period prison comedy starring Eddie Murphy and Martin...
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #072 - The Prestige
Are you listening closely? Because this is important: If you haven't seen this film, I urge you to stop reading this (actually I should urge you to stop reading anything I've written in general) and see - nay, experience - it for yourself. COPIOUS SPOILERS AHEAD - you've been warned and we can't…
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #071 - The Illusionist
2006 was the year of 19th century magician movies with obsessed-over tricks and big twists. As with many twin films, one is the recipient of much love and prestige, and the other is a comparative il-loser-ist. But anything to do with magic is worth checking out, if only to be tickled by that...
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #070 - Jurassic World: Dominion
Having missed out on the opportunity to cap off the Star Wars saga with a wretched disappointment of a final chapter (deferring that honour to JJ Abrams), Colin Trevorrow leapt like a slow-motion raptor on the chance to deliver the bads for the Jurassic saga, but instead delivered a film that's...
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #069 - Armageddon
Michael Bay's worst movie, according to Michael Bay (has he seen his other ones?), is Deep Impact's worst nightmare: another movie about a space rock heading for Earth, releasing less than two months later, with a bigger budget and bigger stars. Fortunately, Armageddon takes an entirely different...
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #068 - Deep Impact
1998 was the year that Hollywood finally cottoned on to the idea that a comet colliding with Earth and wiping out all life was rich dramatic soil to plant its weeds in. Hence, Deep Impact and Armageddon, released mere weeks apart - possibly the quintessential example of the rival film productions...
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #067 - EdTV
[WHOOPS! Thought this was posted a week ago. Never trusting Patreon's scheduling feature again. Apologies to our millions of listeners.] Remember when a "real-life" TV show following a person who is famous simply for being famous was a novel concept? Nobody does - that's what makes this film such…
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #066 - The Truman Show
In 1998/1999, Hollywood first started thinking "Hey- what if an ordinary, everyday, real-life nobody with a boring job and no performing arts skills was the star of the show?" The first product this idea gave us was Peter Weir's 1998's psychological sci-fi satire masterpiece The Truman Show....
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #065 - Volcano
Dante's Peak's competition for volcanic supremacy in the year 1997 was the dumbification-of-humanity-proof-titled Volcano, starring action hero Tommy Lee Jones and rivers of methylcellulose, the thickening agent used in fast-food milkshakes. Once known as the City of Angels, it will forever now…
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #064 - Dante's Peak
Rita and Joe continue chasing volcanoes after a lava bomb blows up their wife and talk over the 1997 volcano disaster flick, Dante's Peak.
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #063 - Friends With Benefits
If you have friends in your life but you're not currently receiving benefits from them, it's time to ask yourself, and them, why. Because according to this true story, starring JT and MK, the only difficulty in maintaining such a relationship will be limited to ensuring you never badmouth the…
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #062 - No Strings Attached
Why the F-buddies are we doing this film? Well, I hear you. Actually I don't - there's no one out there. But regardless, the reason is thus: We're doing a bunchload of "TWIN" films - no, not The Parent Trap or that Schwarzenegger/DeVito joint - I'm talking about the phenomenon of separate films...
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #061 - The Rise of Skywalker
Episode IX! (pronounced icks!, as in "icks, get it off me!") The final chapter. The final episode. All roads led here. Well, except for the road that Rian Johnson masterfully constructed in the previous film. And the road that the Original Trilogy carved out that put a definite dead end on the…
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #060 - The Last Jedi
We missed a week because LIFE intervened (Toon Sandwich LIFE) but we're back in Force for the 🎊🥂60th Episode🍾🎉 of Commentary Fairy to delve into the least controversial film in the Star Wars canon. Haters gonna hate, but lovers gonna love, and according to the Beatles that's all you need.…
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #059 - The Force Awakens
In 2016, Disney took the Reyns of the Star Wars universe, at a price of 2 billion USD per rein, and awoke a force that had lain dormant since 1983 - widespread critical acclaim for a new Star Wars movie. Is it a carbonite-copy of the original Star Wars (1977)? Perhaps. Was that necessary to…
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #058 - Revenge of the Sith
This Sith just got real. Anakin is akin to an anarchist. Kenobi can't cope-y. Padme's padded with meat. Palpatine's patina is palpably paler and infused with pure evil. Mace may suffer. Yoda is daft, yo. Chewie's back, ya. R2 and Threepio are too third-tier to pee on. Grievous, we can agree, is...
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #057 - Attack of the Clones
The greatest romance in the history of space fantasy... ...would have to be our Thor Love and Thunder Trailer Spoof. This film is more like How To Lose A Girl In 200+ Creepy Looks And Angry Entitlement And Pro-Dictatorship Declarations Except It Doesn't Work And She Falls Hard For You So Who...
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[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚♀️ #056 - The Phantom Menace
1999 was a great year for movies. It was also the year of Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace. Anticipation couldn't have been more feverish. Expectations couldn't have been higher. George Lucas couldn't have been richer. But like Jar Jar Binks stepping barefoot in a soft turd and…
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ABOUT THIS SHOW
Joe Bauer and Rita Artmann of ArtSpear Entertainment, creators of Toon Sandwich and other, less-well-known comedies, watch and commentate over popular (and distinctly unpopular) movies - excavating plot holes, inventing wild theories, and squeezing every possible drop of irreverence and absurdity out of each scene and line of dialogue.
HOSTED BY
ArtSpear Entertainment
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Frequently Asked Questions
How many episodes does Commentary Fairy have?
Commentary Fairy currently has 104 episodes available on PodParley. New episodes are automatically indexed when they're published to the podcast feed.
What is Commentary Fairy about?
Joe Bauer and Rita Artmann of ArtSpear Entertainment, creators of Toon Sandwich and other, less-well-known comedies, watch and commentate over popular (and distinctly unpopular) movies - excavating plot holes, inventing wild theories, and squeezing every possible drop of irreverence and absurdity...
How often does Commentary Fairy release new episodes?
Commentary Fairy publishes regularly with 104 episodes available. Check the episode list for the typical release schedule.
Where can I listen to Commentary Fairy?
You can listen to Commentary Fairy on PodParley by clicking any episode. We provide an embedded audio player for direct listening, and you can also subscribe via your preferred podcast app using the RSS feed.
Who hosts Commentary Fairy?
Commentary Fairy is created and hosted by ArtSpear Entertainment.
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